Lost My...Optimism

I lost my optimism about 6 months ago, when I got laid-off (for the second time) in 2 1/2 years. And the job I took was a entry-level position for a start-up that over-hired. And let me tell you, I worked my @$$ off! I was so thrilled to have somewhere to go everyday, to be part of "society" again, to be productive and out of the house that I was walking on clouds.

I cannot begin to explain how blindsided I felt when I got laid-off. Again.
My family can't/won't even talk about it - they get so upset.

Since then, I have become soo depressed, I barely speak with anyone, and I hardly leave my home. It's gotten to the point to where I am almost a shut-in. If I didn't make myself get out of bed every morning, and go to a coffee house for some human interaction, or go to the market every once in awhile, I would literally be speaking with no one - but my cat.

I feel so humiliated and embarrassed by the situation, too - I just can't explain it. I feel like an alien now. I just want to fade away.

I remember when I used to (mildly) dread Mondays because I had to go to work (you know, in the dark ages, sitting on the 405 Fwy for almost 3 hours r/t each day for years, getting up earlier and earlier and getting home later and later each year to make it in on time and to complete my ever increasing workload, etc.) But now, I dread Mondays because I hear people going to work, and it makes me feel soo sad. worse than the rest of the week, in fact (at least Sundays bring some comfort, because I know most people are home taking at least one or 1/2 day off).

My family and close friends know I am "really down" (i've even expressed to them that I am depressed), but they have no clue to what extent or what to do. How can they? They work full-time or are unfortunately out of work, as well, but are married/supported and are doing OK. They sympathize and are very kind and try to understand - but it's impossible.

I don't know what to do anymore. I think my shrink has even given up with/on me! I feel like a giant burden on my family. I am a grown woman in my 40s (that feels awful to admit). I question why I am here. I lost my faith, but I have not lost my belief in something greater. I don't have a significant other -he passed away from cancer. He was my best friend. All of my friends are married with children and are as busy as heck. My parents are semi-retired and loving life. I know they worry about me, but I think they try to not think of me too much, or they get upset ... so they stay extra-busy, and we don't call each other very often.

I am so grateful for all the financial help my family has provided, but I've gotten to the point to where I don't even want to ask anymore. I wish they were mind-readers. It's gotten ridiculous. I feel like a dog begging for a bone.

I realize a lot of people are struggling right now, have lost their homes, have children to care for, are living in their cars/tents/shelters, and I am soooo grateful for what I do have (shelter, food, clothes), but, probably like most unemployed people, I never in a million years thought I would ever be in this position. I've just never felt anything like this. It's the saddest thing ever.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I am indeed grateful for this site, as well, where I have someplace "to go".

I understand and empathize with everything you just wrote. Just recently tonight I got this overwhelming sense of dread ( stronger than I've ever had.) I've lost alot as well due to what is going on "outside". No one really understands unless they are in your shoes and never before has that cliche' been more true to me than right now.
It takes away your pride and sense of self worth, but I will tell you this, you can't lose yourself and who you are based on the lack of humanity of others.

I'm doing my best not to lose myself as well, but if you were given this particular #(#*$( up situation, then it is meant for you to learn something and is meant to make you stronger in some form, that is the only positive (yet waaaay too metaphysical) way to look at things at this juncture. Don't let the situation change you, let it make you stronger. Harder to implement than write, but it has to be the truth otherwise why are we all still here?

My thoughts and prayers are with you as well as others. It's been a while since ive' posted just because morally as well as statisitically(This past week was crazy) it seems like political suicide on both parties part to just sit idol and let millions upon millions go through what the 99ers and other unemployed are having to endure, but at the end of the day if you've read any of my past post you know I think it's all just political theatre for the dumbed down masses. In this case though Iv'e never seen 1st hand this amount of devastation on so many levels.

Once again stay strong and my thoughts and prayers are with you and others

thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and that you understand! It helps a lot! :12600:

No problem!

I surely understand. I feel like a complete and worthless loser. I am embarassed to even look in the mirror and I mean that literally, I tried to avoid my own reflection. Unless you have been unemployed, you can't understand, that is why this is the place for you.

Hello and welcome to the forum, Antinous.
First let me extend my sympathies for your loss, Im so sorry you lost your mate.

Your comment was so heartbreaking and really expressed what a lot of people in this situation are feeling. May I suggest you send that same comment to members of congress? Let them know how this is affecting you. You really expressed how many of us feel so well, I think it might gain attention from some of our reps.

Im glad you found us...Everyones situation is unique, but Im sure you will find others here that can really relate to what you are going through. I hope you find comfort among your peers here!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

WE HEAR YOU!! Loud and clear, I may say.

As you are welcomed and embraced here, please know it's not just you and certainly NOT ABOUT YOU? But it sure feels that way, huh? I KNOW the pain of family not understanding now or perhaps ever... DH was forced into retirement and layed off after over 20 years by a corp and the pain hasn't stopped in two l/2 years! He is going thru another dark place just now. Can't EVEN discuss with either family as they are so 'over it' --- just be retired all ready! But new reminders come up almost weekly of this wasn't what we worked so hard for, planned for, earned...

Enough about me. YOU need to visit/post and feel the love and support of all here. We will all lean on each other and find a way to the light of better days ahead --- sooner then later, I hope!

Thanks for writing, Antinous. You're not alone. I could have written the same message myself. Hell, we've probably idled along the same stretch of the 405 at one time or another.

I was laid-off over 2 years ago, and have worked a series of short-term contracts since them. My latest contract ended in March and I'm still looking for my next gig. It's demoralizing, and I really don't have anyone to talk to, not even a shrink. What friends I have left are still working and sympathetic, but I've learned not to reveal how difficult this time has been for me. I try to be upbeat for everyone else, but I wish I had someone to cheer me on. Right now I'm sitting here trying to work up enough enthusiasm to submit another batch of resumes into the black hole that my job search has turned into!

I just try to find something to laugh about every morning, along with my coffee. I too feel like a worthless loser at times. When that happens, I go into my memory bank and remember the times when I got glowing reviews and appreciation and tell myself that it's not me, and that I'm not alone.

And I guess that's what I'm trying to say, you're not alone. You're a courageous, strong person who will survive.

It was said better then I ever could.. I long for the traffic on the 101 coming home from work that I loved.. a hour of quiet and contentment..

americatheneedy wrote:I surely understand. I feel like a complete and worthless loser. I am embarassed to even look in the mirror and I mean that literally, I tried to avoid my own reflection. Unless you have been unemployed, you can't understand, that is why this is the place for you.

I feel that way, too. I cannot bear to look in the mirror....all the joy and life has been sucked out of me. Also, someone taking a photo - not in a million years. I feel that the camera captures how dreadful I feel.

Thank you very much for the warm, supportive welcome and for everyone's really lovely comments. I don't feel so alone or as if my feelings are that crazy / out of line considering the dreadful situation many of us are experiencing. :12600:

Big hugs, Antinous! We ALL know how you feel...

Hang in there. I know what you mean about going to the market, hell - I ride my bike over to the store just to hang out with folks even when I don't need to buy anything. Saves on gas, and gets me out of here. Cabin fever drives me insane. Sitting at the computer looking at the job boards drives me insane.

disgustedwithgovt wrote:Hang in there. I know what you mean about going to the market, hell - I ride my bike over to the store just to hang out with folks even when I don't need to buy anything. Saves on gas, and gets me out of here. Cabin fever drives me insane. Sitting at the computer looking at the job boards drives me insane.

I used to get cabin fever and really make the effort to get out and socialize and keep in touch with friends and family, etc. so I didn't lose my mind. But I've been so depressed and worried, I don't even want to go out anymore

The job boards ... sigh. I've sent out my resume so many times that I lost count...somewhere in the low/mid hundreds. And reading them is sooo depressing, too. The wages that are being offered are so low that you know you are being taken advantage of - right off the bat - because everyone is so desperate to work.

I know this feeling. I have been unemployed 3 1/2 years and except for a temp job 2 years ago I haven't worked. I go on interview after interview knowing I probably won't get it. It stinks because I did everything "right". Then when I get an interview most of the salaries are pathetic and most are part time.

I know this feeling. i woke up today feeling like i am a lab rat. ..some experiment...see how long we can hold her down till she cracks.
After 3 years I feel like i am about to crack.

I'm with you New Wave, so tired of being some interviewer's practice just to show his boss he looked around before he hires someone he knows. Went to one yesterday, felt like it was a waste of time, just a bunch of bs-but the only other option is not to go and I can't not keep trying. Just waiting on the email- we decided to go with another canidate, wish you well blah blah blah blah. Husband on me constantly about how I "ain't really looking or I'd have job." It has really made me not even want to look at him, as if I didn't have enough problems already. No health insurance either, just hope if I get sick, I go quickly, at this point makes no difference to me either way. NOt suicidal, just ready to go if the good Lord wants me. Antinous, we have all searched job boards and after a while you realize it is the same exact postings month after month, and they aren't really hiring. I just don't understand why they bother. Anyway, the people here understand and I have already begun having talks with my pets, because they don't lie to me and say there are jobs.

Exactly. I've actually gone on interviews where I heard them talking about the person who got the job! I've gone on interviews where they grilled me about everything then I knew I wouldn't get it. Not to mention all the illegal questions.

And the jobs calling me aren't very good either. I have an interview on Friday for a $12 hour part time job with no benefits. That's one of the best salaries I've seen recently, yet years ago I was turning down $35,000 because I was making more.

If you can get 12 take it. They talked about the person who got the job in front of you??? I would have said something really rude to them. I wish you well on your interview. What state are you in New wave??

Thanks Americatheneedy. Yep if they offer it I would take it, but then again I would take any job now. I'm in Illinois. Yeah the one job I went for I overheard the HR people talking about having someone come in to fill out various forms when they start. This was after I went to the interview and waited almost an hour. Ridiculous they did this.

Illinois, I in NC. I guess it (I know) it's ugly all over. We are so screwed, I am afraid for my future. I'm not afraid that I won't be able to vacation or whatnot. I am afraid for survival. The ONLY good thing that is coming out of this is maybe just maybe people will begin to value the simple things again and not be so materialistic, which I never was even when I was employed. I was just not raised that way, my father was almost fifty when I was born, lived through the Great Depression and taught me about simplicity. It does serve me well now to find joy in sitting and reading no tv, no shopping to be satisfied. Having said that, you have to have SOMEWHERE to sit and something to eat and a way to stay warm - no one can do with nothing- even the Cavemen had to have this- screw the ipods. That's what I fear, a primal fear- and it worries me every second of every day, it is on my mind always-even in my sleep I dream of survival. I, like you New Wave, worked hard to be educated, even went back to school to get a license to teach. And now, they've spent all the money that pays teachers, I can't even get a job waitressing because my experience isn't recent??? What the heck?? How do you forget how to take orders and bring food. I sincerely don't know what to do anymore. I really hope you get that job. I know some nice people in IL. They keep inviting me to visit-but who has the gas and I don't want to be cheap when I get there and not be able to take them out to dinner as my hosts- maybe silly but that's the way I was raised.

To dmbishop and America...I feel the same way: how much longer until I just break down, and God forbid if something should happen sans health insurance...dnr. I feel as if I am making such little contribution, and my productivity level is so low, I just don't know why I am here

new_wave, best of luck with your job prospect. I truly hope it works out for you. And I've had that happen to me, as well...gone to job interviews where the position was already (internally) filled or the hiring person made me wait almost an hour prior to our scheduled interview (that happened a few times). It was awful.

Thanks Antinous, I hope if nothing else they keep me in mind or that this means others jobs will come all our way. I was astounded when this one company was this way where the job was filled.

America, if you ever come to Illinois to visit your friends let me know. I'd love to meet you. I too was raised like that, though my parents weren't depression babies they are baby boomers. I have become less materialistic myself and am glad. That's what i didn't get about being rejected on my experience, serving is the same as it was. Oh sure the bigger restaurants often have computers you need to use but I'm sure I could learn. Then again I got rejected for a telemarketing and inventory jobs because of this so nothing surprises me. Sad that I am applying for jobs that used to be survival while I attended college.

Thanks New Wave.