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JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
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Jobless_in_Ma
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TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA
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JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Mon Jul 25, 2011 8:56 pm
INTERESTING OBSERVATION .....
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
Last edited by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA on Thu Aug 11, 2011 9:39 pm; edited 3 times in total
TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA- Member
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by Guest Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:12 pm
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for a laugh that dried my tears. I so badly needed that today and I am forwarding it to everyone I can think of. 
Guest- Guest
Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:22 pm
MaryKay wrote:I thank you from the bottom of my heart for a laugh that dried my tears. I so badly needed that today and I am forwarding it to everyone I can think of.
You are so very welcome Mary Kay! It dried my tears for my husband's plight also. We got it from another long-term unemployed friend.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by jmainframe Tue Jul 26, 2011 4:10 am
Wow, that hit the nail right on the head, and even more amusing is that most jokes are rooted at least in part, in truth!
Thanks for sharing and no, YOU'RE NOT TOO OLD!
Thanks for sharing and no, YOU'RE NOT TOO OLD!
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Tue Jul 26, 2011 10:31 am
jmainframe wrote:Wow, that hit the nail right on the head, and even more amusing is that most jokes are rooted at least in part, in truth!
Thanks for sharing and no, YOU'RE NOT TOO OLD!
You are very welcome. Glad that we made some of the nice folks here laugh! Laughter is one thing that has been missing from our lives.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:17 pm
Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA): "I remember Speaker Tip O'Neil, when I got here, and there is one thing he and Speaker Boehner seem to have in common and that's a theme song. Speaker O'Neil's theme song was "I Will Be With You In Apple Blossom Time." By now, Speaker Boehner is entitled to take as his theme song "It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To."
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TR11005 Sat Jul 30, 2011 1:25 am
"I stuck my neck out!" Said the Weeper of the House. 
"It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To."
"It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To."
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:37 pm
Ruger is coming out with a new series of pistols in honor of members of the United States Senate and the House of Representatives.
It will be named the “Congressman” Series
None of them work, and you can't fire them.
It will be named the “Congressman” Series
None of them work, and you can't fire them.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by Guest Sun Aug 07, 2011 7:54 pm
You guys should do the Sunday Funnies..
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:44 pm
disgustedwithgovt wrote:You guys should do the Sunday Funnies..
LOL TY Got to try laugh a little. So tired of crying everyday. I love when our friend sends us these emails. Funny, the person who sends us these is also long-term unemployed. Friends and relatives who have jobs can't be bothered to cheer us up.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:45 am
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R.A.P.E.D. can apply to Congress to be considered for the S.H.A.F.T. program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. and S.H.A.F.T.E.D. will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.H.A.F.T.E.D. twice and S.C.R.E.W.E.D. as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. could get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have A.I.D.S. or H.E.R.P.E.S. will not be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. any further by Congress.
Persons who are not R.A.P.E.D. and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R.A.P.E.D. can apply to Congress to be considered for the S.H.A.F.T. program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. and S.H.A.F.T.E.D. will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.H.A.F.T.E.D. twice and S.C.R.E.W.E.D. as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D. could get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have A.I.D.S. or H.E.R.P.E.S. will not be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. any further by Congress.
Persons who are not R.A.P.E.D. and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:25 pm
Another email I received today!
This just might make your day a little brighter! You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans ..... relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed and they walk Among Us!
This just might make your day a little brighter! You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans ..... relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed and they walk Among Us!
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by Jobless_in_Ma Thu Aug 11, 2011 4:54 pm
That is some funny stuff! Thanks for the chuckle I'm going to sticky this thread.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Thu Aug 11, 2011 8:15 pm
Jobless_in_Ma wrote:That is some funny stuff! Thanks for the chuckle I'm going to sticky this thread.
You are very welcome JIM. We need a little humor now and then!
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:34 pm
"The government today announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!"
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Wed Aug 24, 2011 3:54 pm
BUD THE COWBOY
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd, in a remote mountainous pasture in California, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd, and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite, that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email, on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives his response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves". "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living ... or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd, in a remote mountainous pasture in California, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd, and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite, that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email, on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives his response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves". "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living ... or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:05 pm
I decided to put this article in this thread. It truly is a joke!
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/members-congress-paid-enough-165641960.html
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/members-congress-paid-enough-165641960.html
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:25 pm
A funny email I received today!
COMPUTER SKILLS
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes. I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk ..... sorry. Thank you.
Tech Support: Click on the "MY COMPUTER" icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi ..... I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on "START" for me and .....
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!!!
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says "CAN'T FIND PRINTER"'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah ..... thank you.
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take 10 steps backwards.
Customer: Okay .....
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please ..... Ah, that one does work. Thanks.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter "'a" as in
apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, and the number "7"'.
Customer: Is that "7" in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ..... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer ..... but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!
And last, but not least .....
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a "P".
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean ?
Tech Support: "P" ..... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
COMPUTER SKILLS
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes. I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk ..... sorry. Thank you.
Tech Support: Click on the "MY COMPUTER" icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi ..... I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on "START" for me and .....
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!!!
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says "CAN'T FIND PRINTER"'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah ..... thank you.
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take 10 steps backwards.
Customer: Okay .....
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please ..... Ah, that one does work. Thanks.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter "'a" as in
apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, and the number "7"'.
Customer: Is that "7" in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ..... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer ..... but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!
And last, but not least .....
Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a "P".
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean ?
Tech Support: "P" ..... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA- Member
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by Guest Tue Sep 13, 2011 7:56 pm
Excellent. However, my printer isn't working, even if I "p" on it.. Thanks for sharing this. TOTHIPA
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Tue Sep 13, 2011 8:37 pm
MaryKay wrote:Excellent. However, my printer isn't working, even if I "p" on it.. Thanks for sharing this. TOTHIPA
Good one Mary Kay!
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by TOO OLD TO HIRE IN PA Sun Dec 11, 2011 4:53 pm
THE LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A member of Congress was seated next to a little girl on an
airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied
to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global
warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
A member of Congress was seated next to a little girl on an
airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied
to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global
warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
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Re: JUST FOR LAUGHS! ... AND SOME TRUTHS!
by Guest Sun Dec 11, 2011 5:50 pm
TOTHIPA, I do love to get these, I so needed a good laugh today.
Many, many thanks.
Many, many thanks.
Guest- Guest
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