Unemployment Jokes - You Gotta Laugh!

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you are having an out of money experience.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you get married for the rice.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you take your kids to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid’s fingers.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when your Reality Check Bounces.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you try to make a comeback but you haven’t been anywhere.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you realize that joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you lie in bed looking up at the stars and say “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when beauty is only a light switch away.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you say to your kids: “Just Hand Over the Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt”

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you think a quarterback is a refund.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you sell your car for gas money.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you look for pessimists to borrow money from because they don’t expect it back.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you believe that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you wonder: Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you pop bubble wrap instead of going to therapy.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you buy things just because they have no interest or payments for one full year.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when your spouse says: “whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when your mind becomes a steel trap — rusty and illegal in 37 states.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when your CEO buddies are meeting to play a round of miniature golf.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when the kid at McDonald’s asks if you can afford fries with that.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you find yourself with a truckload of other Americans sneaking into Mexico.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when the job interviewer tells you that there’s an opening for you and it’s called the door.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you stretch out on the floor to fill out the job application.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you bring your dog to a job interview.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you leave your iPod earphones in during the interview so you can listen to your favorite tunes.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you challenge the job interviewer to arm wrestle.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you refuse to leave your bicycle outside during the interview.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you whistle while the interviewer is talking.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you explain to the interviewer that you really don’t want the job but just need proof that you are looking.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you text you friends during an interview.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you show up at an interview without shoes and explain that they were stolen while waiting for a bus.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when your cell phone alarm goes off and you excuse yourself from the interview so you’ll make it home in time to watch Golden Girls.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when the interviewer takes a phone call and you are busted watching porno on your smart phone.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you refuse to leave the interview unless you are hired.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you call your mother to ask for help answering questions on the application.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you bring a snack and proceed to eat it during the job interview.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you ask the interviewer for a copy of their resume to confirm that they posses the qualifications to interview you.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you just decide to get up and walk out in the middle of the interview.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when in the reception area they call your name for your interview but you ignore it so you can try and make it to the next level of Angry Birds.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you can’t stop laughing out loud at the interviewer’s hairpiece.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you try to shoot a video during a job interview just in case your reality show gets picked up.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you show up at an interview dressed as your favorite character from Glee and proceed to sing your resume.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you set up to play beer pong on the interviewers desk.

You know you’ve been unemployed too long when you wait to put your makeup on during the job interview.

“You take my life when you take the means whereby I live”.~SHAKESPEARE

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours”.~HARRY S. TRUMAN

“Unemployment is like a headache or a high temperature — unpleasant and exhausting but not carrying in itself any explanation of its cause.”~WILLIAM HENRY BEVERIDGE

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results”~CALVIN COOLIDGE

“The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job.”~SLAPPY WHITE

Research shows unemployment plays a role in early death. Unless you’re a miner.

A recent poll showed that 70% of New Yorkers are unhappy with their current job.
A seperate poll showed that 30% of the people who participated in this poll were unemployed.

We can’t wait for the unemployment figures to drop so we can re-instate “like it’s my JOB” back into the American Slang.

Polls show that jobless claims rose this month. Skeptics believe that this may be an error since most of the qualified poll takers have been laid off.

A Nevada brothel won approval for the 1st guy prostitute to start working. In related news, state officials project that within a week they’ll have the lowest male unemployment rate in the U.S.

The U.S. Postal Service has announced some radical changes to help the struggling department. Changes will include eliminating jobs, closing some offices, and accurate mail delivery.

A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.

The economy is so bad that people are using the DMV as a portrait studio.

The economy is so bad, Madonna adopted a baby from Detroit.

The economy is so bad, there’s a new musical in the works called A Chorus Unemployment Line.

Unemployment applications are slowing down. That’s because just about everyone is already unemployed.

An unemployed woman, living in her Oldsmobile after losing her job & home has given birth to her first child…she plans to raise the child the Olds fashioned way.

Circuit City laid off 30,000 employees. When picking up their termination papers, the employees were asked if they wanted the extended two-year warranty.

#unemployed musings: Down with categorical imperative!

#unemployed musings: TV is chewing gum for the eyes.– Frank Lloyd Wright.

#unemployed musings: Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s within walking distance.

#unemployed musings: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.

#unemployed musings:
Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today –
I think he’s from the CIA.

#unemployed musings:
I have learned
To spell hors d’oeuvres
Which still grates on
Some people’s n’oeuvres
- Warren Knox

#unemployed musings: A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

#unemployed musings: It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m actually quite busy.

#unemployed musings: If you go to a bookstore and ask them where the ‘Self-Help’ section is, would that defeat the purpose?

#unemployed musings: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

#unemployed musings: I don’t get even, I get odder.

#unemployed musings: In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

#unemployed musings: I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

#unemployed musings: My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

#unemployed musings: Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

#unemployed musings: A day without sunshine is like night.

#unemployed musings: I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

#unemployed musings:Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?

#unemployed musings:Why is it a ‘garage door opener’, since it opens and closes the door?

#unemployed musings: If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

#unemployed musings: What’s another word for ‘thesaurus’?

#unemployed musings: Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#unemployed musings: If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

#unemployed musings: If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

#unemployed musings: The longer the title, the less important the job.

#unemployed musings: In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

#unemployed musings: More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

#unemployed musings: A snail can sleep for 3 years.

#unemployed musings: Life Is Hard; Then You Nap

#unemployed musings: I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards

#unemployed musings: Procrastinate Now

#unemployed musings: I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

#unemployed musings: Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

#unemployed musings: Where there’s a will…I want to be in it.

#unemployed musings: The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

#unemployed musings: Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

#unemployed musings: I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

#unemployed musings: Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

#unemployed musings: VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did some shopping.

#unemployed musings: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

#unemployed musings: I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

#unemployed musings: I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

#unemployed musings:I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

#unemployed musings: Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

#unemployed musings: Honk if you love peace and quiet.

#unemployed musings: Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

#unemployed musings: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

#unemployed musings: Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

#unemployed musings: No one is listening until you make a mistake.

#unemployed musings: Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

#unemployed musings: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

#unemployed musings: The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

#unemployed musings: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

#unemployed musings: Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

#unemployed musings: If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

#unemployed musings: If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

#unemployed musings: I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

#unemployed musings: You! Off my planet!

#unemployed musings: Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

#unemployed musings: the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

#unemployed musings: Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

#unemployed musings: Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

#unemployed musings: What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

#unemployed musings:
a KOAN:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream KOAN

Lol! this made my day! Nice post rhonda

elizabethdennis wrote:Lol! this made my day! Nice post rhonda

You know what else is funny? Payday Loan companies trying to do business here!! Bye!

Only one problem (from the viewpoint of an unemployed technical writer):


"You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you text you friends during an interview."

Please correct to:
You know you’ve been unemployed too long if you text your friends during an interview.

It doesn't take a technical writer to spot a spelling mistake, IMO. Big deal! Let's go for the gold...