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Life not good right now

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Life not good right now

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:39 am

First topic message reminder :

Hello. I will try to keep this short and give facts.
Graduate high school 1993
single, no kids. I'm not going to label myself as "bi" or "straight", I am just what I am. I have no lover at this time.
A.S. degree in Business 2006
Last job over 32 hours a week 2004-March 2007
B.S. degree in Business 2009
unemployment from 2007-Feb 2010
MBA earned Aug 2011
Now. . . .
HAD TO live off of stipend of $2K every 5 months (this was from the college, student loans) once my unemployment stopped in Feb 2010. I was getting $596 of unemployment. So, that is $400 a month from the stipend and if I had to get something that month - that means my $2k for 5 months, well .. . it all dried up before 5 months. You get the picture

Living with mom, she is 60 now. I'm an only child. She lost her job in Oct 2011 and is on unemployment - until March 2013 that is. And she can't afford to pay her property taxes and she can't get relief since her husband was not a 100% disabled veteran. He was only disabled 60% so the county says "We can't help you with property taxes" . Her house is paid off, but on less than $900 a month unemployment, she is not making all her bills. What will happen when her unemployment runs out? No one is going to hire her, she is freaking 60 years old!

I volunteer. Have been since 2010. A lot of good that is going. People say volunteer, it looks good a resume. Yeah right. Started feeding homeless through Spread Peace Perris in 2010. I didn't purchase food, I served it. I'm on food stamps $200 a month, I can't purchase food for others. That does not purchase my female needs each month. Does not purchase my Epsom salt to relax each week for my salt baths to relax. Nails done? I'm not that type of girl, but if I was, I can't afford it.

In Aug 2011, I started volunteering for a peer run center (mental health peer run center). I stopped that volunteer gig in April 2012 since I started to volunteer for Riverside County Dept of Mental Health as a peer support counselor at a local clinic.
I've been doing that since March 2012. I already put in over 85 volunteer working hours since March.

NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness. I went to there Peer to Peer class last year in June. 10 week class. I did it so I could possibility become a PAID mentor. But it is $500 for 10 weeks of work. Nothing ever came of it. I am still waiting to hear from anyone so I can be a mentor and I'm still getting the run around. Told I have to volunteer as a mentor, then told "You don't have to volunteer as a mentor first". I go to these meetings - these are NAMI meetings. They are to practice your speech. One is "In Our own Voice" and the other is "Parents and Teachers as Allies" and I have given about 10 speeches for IOOV and 3 for PATAA". I don't need to go to these meetings anymore to practice my speech (once every other Friday) - but if I go, I get paid $20 stipend for showing up. That is $40 a month! I feel like I'm being forced to go to these meetings for chunk change. I need the money. I need it. I'm not on SSDI, I don't qualify! I'm not disabled.

I also get $50 a month from the Dept of Rehab. Not about drinking or drugs for those that don't know. I don't need to give more speeches about my mental health depression when I was a teenager. I'm 37 now and I need to move on with my life and I need a freaking job. I have a freaking MBA.

I'm able bodied. Used to have major depression at age 16. Used to have GAD at 28. Now just have "5 years unemployed syndrome". And I'm angry. Very very very angry and I'm wondering when my anger will cease and when I will become 100% apathetic to all of life. When I loose my anger, I will know it is time to kill myself.

I've been passed up so many times for jobs -- it is unreal. I tell people to stop complaining if they have been looking for work for 2 years. I say "Try 5 years unemployed" They just look at me and say "how do you do it?" I say "I don't have a cell phone, I don't drive much, I don't do much. I just stay home, what can I do if I'm only getting $90 a month? I learn to live with much less than you do with your fancy cell phones!"

I'm on the Mid County Mental Health Board and you know what. I'm volunteering for that!!!! I don't get paid for that unless you consider .55 a mile and $16 a mont or $20 a month for GAS to get there a "pay check". I have been volunteering for a local mental health clinic as a peer support volunteer. Why should I have to volunteer for the county to prove myself to them as a peer counselor? I've had other jobs before and I know that I'm professional. No one needs to "watch me" for 8 months so I can become a PAID Full-time peer support counselor. I don't need to prove to anyone that I can work. I've had jobs before. I'm not stupid. I'm not smart person. And I"m not mental. These people act like people with a metal illness can't work.

I have an MBA. Hello? I did my school work, I've worked on teams before, and I kept a schedule. These people at the County Mental Health want to compare me to someone that has no work experience at all. Hello? I have organizational skills. I'm not overqualified to do a job, I'm not asking for some wow wee $50K a year job.

I'm just looking for PAID WORK. I'm DONE volunteering my time. I've done ENOUGH volunteering. I'm DONE. People can't see my value? Why? I don't know. They are freaking blind I guess. I know my worth, I'm worth $12 an hour.

My mom was earning $10 an hour and making it. I can pay my bills and my mom's bills if I was paid $12 an hour and how many MBA's do you know that ask for $12? Well, if they are working right now, they may not take anything less than $40K a year. But this girl . . . .me . .. I'm only asking for what a receptionist earn.
Am I asking too much for a freaking PAID JOB? I'm done volunteering. I put in my time since 2010. I don't need to volunteer for 30 hour a week.

I was tutoring in March, April and May 2012. I earned $177 in March, $240 in April and $300 in May and in June it went down to $40. I haven't tutored since June 2012. I need the income. I don't like tutoring, but it is something. And I was able to put some money back to start saving to see my therapist. Man I really miss that $300 a month. Am I asking too much for $300 a month? I don't want stupid hand outs. I want to WORK FOR MONEY. I want to WORK. I want to EARN my PAY. Not volunteer.

What will it be like when I'm over 40? It will be harder for me to get a job. People already look at me like "Why have you been unemployed for 5 years?" It is harder to get a job when you've been out of work for so long. Volunteer work? I don't see anyone at all valuing what I have been doing for 2 plus years. No ROI at all. So why do it? Why?

I've been putting in about 60 to 90 job applications each month since 2011 and nothing. I get interviews (I had 9 last year) and so far about 3 this year, and what do I get? I see others with no degree get jobs. I leave my MBA OFF of my resume and what does that do? Nothing. I was told I live in "No where USA, No where California". Oh that is really nice for me to hear. For those that don't know, I live in Perris CA, it is about 89 miles north of San Diego and 60 miles east of Long Beach. If you know of Riverside CA, then you know where Perris is. I didn't choose to move here, my mom and step dad did, in 1985 when I was 10. I came with them. I live on the east side of town not that far from Perris High. So, it is where I live that is stopping me from getting a job? Is that it? Well, I don't have friends that live in LA or OC. Sorry, the people I know, all live in the Inland Empire in Hemet, in Lake Elsinore etc.

So, long story short. I got an ovarian cyst (had it since 2007) and it grew from 4cm in Feb 2012 to 6cm in July 2012. Since August 2012, it has been really hurting, really bad. I need surgery, told that in July from an MD . . I"m just waiting and waiting for this county insurance to do something about the paperwork. So, I went to the ER the other day since I was in so much pain due to this thing growing in me. I was given Vicodin since the 600mg and 800mg of Motrin does not do the job. Well, guess what folks? That's right! I just may take two or three Vicodin tonight before I go to bed. Why live?

Why? When people with no education can get a job? Why? What is the point of me working so hard, applying to 60 jobs each month when I see someone that has not put in the time like I have and THEY get a job at $11 an hour and THEY don't even have a simple A.S. degree. Why should I even TRY ? I've put in so much work, so many hours volunteering people just don't even see me. I'm freaking invisible! No one see's me. No one cares about me. if they didn't they'd SEE THE WORTH OF MY VOLUNTEER WORK AND HIRE ME FOR PAY and I"D be EARNING $300 a week instead of being a stupid drain on society and asking for food stamps.

So, to save this world some money, I think I'm going to try to take my life. If I don't succeed in this endeavor, well I can always try again tomorrow or the next day or the next day. And we come up in March 2013 when my mom losses her unemployment. I think that may be a good time. Cuz I'm not waiting another 5 years for someone to hire an able bodied 37 year old.


Last edited by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:55 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : I changed the title BACK to the second title since it is more appropriate title. I know someone changed it all up and the site is compromised.)

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by Guest on Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:24 pm

I can see a lot of heartache and years of sadness here. However I do feel the content is tetering to the unnecessary.

I would also appreciate if this topic's heading was modified a bit. It's just unnecessary to shock members.

macky

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shock members

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Thu Sep 13, 2012 4:18 pm

mackylebourne wrote:I can see a lot of heartache and years of sadness here. However I do feel the content is tetering to the unnecessary.

I would also appreciate if this topic's heading was modified a bit. It's just unnecessary to shock members.

macky

I will not post anymore on this. I have said what I needed to say and I may just consider death as an option.

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by MarilynL on Fri Sep 14, 2012 11:46 am

Sandra...unfortunately some topics are controversial to others, and if we lean towards those subjects, others may not feel free to come here...that's all Crying or Very sad But stick with us...just knowing that we are all in this together says that you are not alone....it's not you! Our country is just screwed up right now!

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by elvis44102 on Fri Sep 14, 2012 11:15 pm

well, i see the title has been changed...

i have spent the last 10 years involved a spiritual program (vs religious)...

the only thing in this whole world that one can control, is your attitude....

even though i know this to be true, i STILL get upset from time to time

and this doesn't always work....immediately (attitude change)

you have NO control over many things....

some say god wont put you in a situation that he/she/it wont see you out of
there have been many times when i was sure god had a much higher opinion of my strength than i had for sure......

Remember god gives you what you NEED not what you want....

i have three PC's a fairly junky (but somewhat reliable car) and a few changes of clothes...i don't really want much else (i am lucky).....

the final thing is the old inventory list....take stock in the positive tings that you take for granted and appreciate them.....

yes after all this time that's all the comfort there is that i know of.....

Nelson Mandala spent nearly two decades in prison on trumped up political charges....

after WW2 hundreds of thousands of simple German soldiers were kept in Russian jails till 1955 simply because they were drafted into the wrong army...

and yes, by treaty with the Russian THIS country knowingly turned over Russian solders who fought in the German army against Russia (certain death)...

THIS world is not and perhaps never will be fair...we must all find our OWN reason to hold on....its a very personal thing (the most in my opinion).....


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Re: Life not good right now

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Sat Sep 15, 2012 1:41 am

elvis44102 wrote:well, i see the title has been changed...

i have spent the last 10 years involved a spiritual program (vs religious)...
the only thing in this whole world that one can control, is your attitude....
Even though I know this to be true, I STILL get upset from time to time
and this doesn't always work....immediately (attitude change)
you have NO control over many things....

some say god wont put you in a situation that he/she/it wont see you out of
there have been many times when I was sure god had a much higher opinion of my strength than i had for sure......Remember god gives you what you NEED not what you want....

I have three PC's a fairly junky (but somewhat reliable car) and a few changes of clothes...I don't really want much else (i am lucky)..... The final thing is the old inventory list....take stock in the positive things that you take for granted and appreciate them.....

THIS world is not and perhaps never will be fair...we must all find our OWN reason to hold on....its a very personal thing (the most in my opinion).....

1. Yes, I can control my attitude but after 3 years (that was back in 2010) I thought things would get better for me. They didn't. I've put all this work in for going to this stupid "peer employment training" back in Nov 2010, and others in my class got jobs with the dept since THEY don't have degrees! after 2 years of "hanging in there" my attitude has gotten progressively worse. My question is this: wouldn't anyone's after 5 years and 6 months of not finding work when other people around you with no degree get's all kinds of jobs?

I do have my good days when my iPod is working and I sing "I'm still standing" by Elton John. And when I find a full-time job, I'm going to rub it in the face of everyone that passed me up for hiring me.

2. What? are we talking about god here? Is this a church forum or a religious forum? I don't believe in any gods. Not any one. So, I'd ask you to not bring it up again. No god allows people to have cancer and I know at least four people that have cancer and my grandpa died when he was 64 (I was 18) from cancer and my grandmother died when I was 3 due to a drunk driver (she was 66). I don't remember her. God? Please.

3. Yes. I have from time to time think about what I do have. I was thinking of my mom's house and how is it paid off. Her husband died in 2004 from (we think) a stroke. He was having flu like symptoms for 3 days Monday-Wed and on Thursday Feb 5th he died around 3:10am or so. Mom woke up at 3:45am and found him gone on the couch. So, my step-dad loved my mom very much and I'm so thankful that they have/had life insurance to pay the house off after he died. We still have property taxes to pay (and my mom does not get enough on unemployment to put back $100 a month for that like she used to at her job of $20K a year. Her income is now only $10K a year). I was thinking about our home and thinking about the fires around the area. (we get them every year in October). I was thinking of how my mom HAD TO cancel the earthquake insurance AND the FIRE insurance since she just could not afford it anymore after her husband died. We have been very lucky to say the least that we have not had a FIRE in the house and we still have a home. I can't imagine what it is like if we lost our home to a FIRE. I'm so thankful to live in a home and not on the street.

4. I agree, we must find out own reason to hold on. It IS a very person thing, and that is why I ask everyone to NOT mention anything about gods, a god, the Christian God or Jesus. I used to be a Christian for 18+ years (born again 1991) and I decided it was not right for me and I like the rational thinking behind "prayer". After 2010, I just slowly started to change my thinking and I in 2011 I stopped going to church since I don't need any man (or woman) telling me what they think the buybull means.

5. If you want to encourage me, I'm all for that. But no god talk. I read up on anything by Cheri Huber, Pema Chordon and Eckhart Tolle. I also like Alan Watts. Sometimes I read a book by Osho as well. They tend to leave god out of their books and if god/he/she is mentioned, it is not the western view of it.
I don't read anymore since I'm in the middle of a big depression. I miss reading so much.
Very Happy Very Happy Smile Smile Laughing Laughing Laughing Razz Razz Razz Surprised
And lastly . . .
I took a Vicodin with food at 7pm and it is now 9:34pm and I finally know (now) to take it with food so I don't get nausea and don't feel faint. Before I always got sick with it, but I'm good now. I have no pain Shocked at all in my belly due to this stupid cyst. I only take this pill when my pain is really really bad. But I also feel REALLY GOOD right now. Razz Razz Razz Razz
I wish my surgery was next week instead of sometime in October or November. Walking makes it hurt and I don't walk anymore due to the pain and I KNOW walking would help my deep depression. pirat

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Sat Sep 15, 2012 1:47 am

Oh and I SEE that the topic heading was "changed".......la la la la. . .I'm looking on here for my own post and I'm thinking "Now what happened to it? What is deleted or something????" I think the title fits **perfectly** so thank you to whomever changed it

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by MarilynL on Sat Sep 15, 2012 6:48 pm

"What? are we talking about god here? Is this a church forum or a religious forum? I don't believe in any gods. Not any one. So, I'd ask you to not bring it up again. No god allows people to have cancer and I know at least four people that have cancer and my grandpa died when he was 64 (I was 18) from cancer and my grandmother died when I was 3 due to a drunk driver (she was 66). I don't remember her. God? Please."

What is fair is fair...what was controversial for some in what you discussed , you have every right to find some of our responses to be controversial for you. Another lesson I hope is learned here.

But I do think you should write a blog....I think that would really make you feel better!

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by elvis44102 on Sat Sep 15, 2012 7:12 pm

by MarilynL Today at 5:48 pm

"""What is fair is fair...what was controversial for some in what you discussed , you have every right to find some of our responses to be controversial for you. Another lesson I hope is learned here.

But I do think you should write a blog....I think that would really make you feel better! ''''

Nothing anybody has said on this forum has ever offended me......

I have worked with and continue to work in the community with people who have a "substance abuse" issues.....if anything i am criticized because i never mention God....i used the small g and mentioned that a "god" as perhaps the most personal issue that there can be.....


if for no other reason than that one of our political parties appears to be controlled by religious zealots who seem hell bent on cutting the social

support system off for everyone, i would think it make "religion" a topic at least related to the economic well being of those of us not fortunate enough to be employed full-time.....

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May be, I might

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Sat Sep 15, 2012 11:09 pm

[quote="MarilynL"

But I do think you should write a blog....I think that would really make you feel better!
[/quote]

Hmmm. . .I wrote a blog once on a topic not related to me trying to find work for 5.5 years. It had to do with shame. May be I will write one on trying to find work.

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by MarilynL on Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:18 am

elvis44102 wrote: by MarilynL Today at 5:48 pm


Nothing anybody has said on this forum has ever offended me......

I have worked with and continue to work in the community with people who have a "substance abuse" issues.....if anything i am criticized because i never mention God....i used the small g and mentioned that a "god" as perhaps the most personal issue that there can be.....


if for no other reason than that one of our political parties appears to be controlled by religious zealots who seem hell bent on cutting the social

support system off for everyone, i would think it make "religion" a topic at least related to the economic well being of those of us not fortunate enough to be employed full-time.....

I was never offended either, but for some, the talk of religion scares them off as well as other subjects...oh, well, we can't please everyone

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by cookie kong on Wed Sep 19, 2012 4:50 am

It say the good luck will come after you go through the hard time , so pls don't give up

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Leave this site

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Wed Sep 19, 2012 11:33 am

cookie kong wrote:It say the good luck will come after you go through the hard time , so pls don't give up

"It say good luck?" That is not proper English. You are a spammer and you are not trying to help people on this website. Leave this website and stop preying on people that are looking for jobs.

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by DesperateInRI on Wed Sep 19, 2012 2:03 pm

Sandra,

I'm sorry I was not able to intervene earlier. "Cookie" has been "eaten" for solicitation. Thanks for trying to keep this thread to it's purpose. I was a bit detained with other matters as I'm sure you saw.

I hope for you, and all our members, things will settle down and we'll again become a supportive and trusting group.

And I hope your day is going good.

_________________


“Everyone's moving on without me, into a world I don't understand.”

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:04 am

DesperateInRI wrote:Sandra,

I'm sorry I was not able to intervene earlier. "Cookie" has been "eaten" for solicitation. Thanks for trying to keep this thread to it's purpose. I was a bit detained with other matters as I'm sure you saw.

I hope for you, and all our members, things will settle down and we'll again become a supportive and trusting group.

And I hope your day is going good.

Much better than my day was going on Sep 9th. I can say from experience that if one is feeling very bad, don't post anything under your real name on any blog. I learned the hard way. I wish I knew about this site 2 years ago.

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by totally_tired on Fri Sep 21, 2012 8:14 pm

Hey Sandra -

I'm new here...actually I have been checking this site since 2009 but never posted anything.
I've been unemployed since Feb. 2009. Took a retail job for a while but that place too went out of business in the end of 2011, so I decided to go back to school for a master's degree while I take a few temp gigs.
I talked with a couple recruiters today - boy how condescending they can be. They never went through what we have, so (e.g) they look at my resume & think there must be something really wrong with me. Unfortunately, that's the attitude of many. I know I can't let that bother me and I should keep fighting but....sometime I just fall apart and want to scream.
Like you, I too volunteered, networked etc...but nothing. Ex-coworkers, who and where are they? I too started to lose my faith in human. People are just so selfish and all they care about is themselves and that's it.
I know my friends are busy with their wonderful career...but some act so insensitive. I'll always remember who were true to me who weren't during this hard time.
Sorry if this comes out so negative. Just wanted to vent.
My situation cannot compare with your's, but....I do understand what you're going through.

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Re: Life not good right now

Post by Sandra5yearsunemployed on Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:54 pm

totally_tired wrote:Hey Sandra -

I talked with a couple recruiters today - boy how condescending they can be. They never went through what we have, so (e.g) they look at my resume & think there must be something really wrong with me.
I too started to lose my faith in human.

Sorry if this comes out so negative. Just wanted to vent.
My situation cannot compare with your's, but....I do understand what you're going through.

Don't worry about comparing your situation to mine. your story STILL MATTERS! And you still matter. I have lost hope so many times in the human race, but somewhere, along the line, I meet someone (not everyday, not every week, and I don't meet them every month) that is a real sweetheart and my faith in the human race is again restored.

Someday we all will get a job, and will be able to make it on less since income we had to learn how to live with less. And for those with their 99 weeks of unemployment gone, I don't know how they are doing it. A saving account or something? I don't know! Living with someone else for free? And we will be the laughing at capital hill once we Do find jobs. And we WILL find jobs. The jobs will find us!
I'm hoping my networking will prove to be of value.

I'm cutting down on my volunteer work. I KNOW this will help me so I can redistribute my small income each month and I can use the $20 a month on more apple cider vinegar or on Evening Primrose Oil. It's not worth it for me to spend 50% of my income ($50) on gas getting to my volunteer job each month. No one else would spend half of there income doing that, so why me? Just think If I earned $600 a month and if I spent $300 a month on gas to get to a volunteer job. No one would do that!!! No one. I kinda think I was crazy for doing that for the past 6 months. But at least I woke up.

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Re: Life not good right now

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