Guilty Complex

I have adult ADHD and Clinical Depression which I take meds for both and I have been unemployed since 2008. My boyfriend and I have been together since June of this year and even though it's only been a couple of months we've known each other, he is the sweetest man I have ever been involved with. We care about each other so much and he has 2 jobs and he works very hard. The thing I have such a guilty complex over is that he pays for nearly everything since I get SSDI and I am always broke or practically broke since I don't get a whole lot of money from disability. Yet he is so understanding and loving about the entire situation I'm in that he keeps assuring me that all he wants back in return from me is my love and my heart. Obviously he is a chivalrous guy and I am old fashioned like that too. However, I still wish there was more that I can do for him and that I was able to offer him more financially, especially since he does not make a lot of money. This is the reason why I have a guilty complex.

You are fortunate your boyfriend can provide for you financially. Each person brings something different to a relationship, that's what attracts you to each other and keeps you together. Remember, the most important things in life are not material. Maybe all he needs from you is support, comfort, friendship, loyalty and love. All those things are free.

DIRI is spot on. I have had the same feelings as you lately. I lost my job again two months ago and have had essentially no income since then. Even when I had income my pay was peanuts, my GF has had to basically pay for most things which I in previous relationships was always the one to do.
It had taken some time to adjust and I was never fully comfortable with the situation; however having someone there who cares enough about you to help out is truly a blessing.

My on/off bf just dumped me when I finally told him how bad it is. After he reduced me to tears for not being good enough.

I tried to keep my issues to myself and never ask him for anything. Not one thing. I did not live with him. I did not ask to. I did not mention anything about being depressed over not being able to find work.

When I finally broke down he abandoned me.

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. You are normal to feel this - and you are so fortunate to have someone to stand by you during this time.

He sounds like a great person to have on your side.

fUNEMPLOYMENT wrote:My on/off bf just dumped me when I finally told him how bad it is. After he reduced me to tears for not being good enough.

I tried to keep my issues to myself and never ask him for anything. Not one thing. I did not live with him. I did not ask to. I did not mention anything about being depressed over not being able to find work.

When I finally broke down he abandoned me.

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. You are normal to feel this - and you are so fortunate to have someone to stand by you during this time.

He sounds like a great person to have on your side.

This is really too bad. Sorry to hear. However even though it hurts you it doesn't sound that he was in it 100%. I hope you are okay.

I can see this is not the case in your situation, but like a chronic illness it does no good to complain to others. After a while they shut their ears and heart.

Again, hope you are okay. Perhaps things will turn around... Jeff

Yes, come do call it complaining. Some call it a last cry for help as the gravity of reality crushes them.


I jest at the absurdity of those in need of love and hope as complainers. Kind of my point.

The correlation btwn terminally unemployed/ignored/forgotten/isolated, etc and giving up are well known now. The thought "I had no idea how bad they felt. Why did they not reach out and tell me?" after the funeral comes to mind.

Let's not talk about starving. Homelessness. Depression. Giving up. Death. It makes some with security uncomfortable. Some shut it out because it could be them on any given day of the week. Some because it is not happening to them. Not yet. It's complaining for sure. LOL. I hear ya.

No, I think you misunderstood. I believe what he was saying is DO NOT GIVE UP!!

I am "terminally unemployed" and sometimes I feel so isolated and depressed because I am no longer independent. At those times I get very angry and even more determined to get my life back. I refuse to give up. I have seen many members here, who have lost so much, finally find that elusive job and slowly get their lives back together. These stories give me hope.

As far as your on and off boyfriend, you are probably better off now. He sounds like a very shallow person who only cares about material things. Selfish comes to mind. Do you really want to be around people like that? They will only bring you down and make the situation worse than it is.

Stay positive and have faith this is only a temporary situation.

Trying not to give up.

On / off "man". No I do not want to be with people such as he. I make a concerted effort to stay away from him. He throws out bait months later when his narcissistic account is impoverished. He is good at selling water to the water company - if that analogy helps.

He has his own business and has job openings. He has such high turnover probably because of his selfish attitude.

The fact is - I am isolated and depressed completely now. More than before. I don't feel like eating now which is a bad sign for me. I usually want to eat everything in sight. I swear I have a tapeworm. How is that for a new pet? Just kidding.

I saw and ad for a weight loss company looking for help. Ironic.
Might be an angle for another billboard in the media focusing on the economic front.

Thank you for your perspective. Truly appreciate it.

Sorry about your split with your bf. I have had my heart broken too many times to count. However, it's his loss and your gain because I believe that men should be the soul providers when they are married or in a long term relationship. Yes, I am old fashioned in that respect. He does not need to be making tons of money, but if he feels that you are not worth paying for than you don't need him.

"Dump that zero and find yourself a hero."

fUNEMPLOYMENT wrote:My on/off bf just dumped me when I finally told him how bad it is. After he reduced me to tears for not being good enough.

I tried to keep my issues to myself and never ask him for anything. Not one thing. I did not live with him. I did not ask to. I did not mention anything about being depressed over not being able to find work.

When I finally broke down he abandoned me.

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. You are normal to feel this - and you are so fortunate to have someone to stand by you during this time.

He sounds like a great person to have on your side.

jbdream3 wrote:He does not need to be making tons of money, but if he feels that you are not worth paying for than you don't need him.

"Dump that zero and find yourself a hero."

fUNEMPLOYMENT wrote:My on/off bf just dumped me when I finally told him how bad it is. After he reduced me to tears for not being good enough.

Thank you for the supportive comment.

I tried to keep my issues to myself and never ask him for anything. Not one thing. I did not live with him. I did not ask to. I did not mention anything about being depressed over not being able to find work.

When I finally broke down he abandoned me.

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. You are normal to feel this - and you are so fortunate to have someone to stand by you during this time.

He sounds like a great person to have on your side.

He is an example of talking about being empathetic and too much of a self proclaimed NICE GUY. And being anything but.

I never asked for a single thing from him. I lived in my own place. Never asked to move in or for money or food.

He found himself downwind to the turdbomb so many Americans find themselves in. He claims he lost is all at one point and money means nothing. Talked about how he was in major debt in numbers I cannot even fathom. Conversations about realizing money is nothing when you had it all and lost it. Great theory. Glad I could be of "service" so to speak.

Oblivious people claim to care and understand and have compassion. Just as long as we stay under our bridge like a good little trolls. Don't touch them or affect their lives by being in too close proximity. It might be catching. God forbid.

Like I said, it's his loss and your gain. It's hard to tell online like this, but you seem to be a very easy going and down to earth girl and if that's his attitude towards you, then he can't afford a woman, period, and if that's the case, then move on because he ain't worth it!

fUNEMPLOYMENT wrote:

jbdream3 wrote:He does not need to be making tons of money, but if he feels that you are not worth paying for than you don't need him.

"Dump that zero and find yourself a hero."

fUNEMPLOYMENT wrote:My on/off bf just dumped me when I finally told him how bad it is. After he reduced me to tears for not being good enough.

Thank you for the supportive comment.

I tried to keep my issues to myself and never ask him for anything. Not one thing. I did not live with him. I did not ask to. I did not mention anything about being depressed over not being able to find work.

When I finally broke down he abandoned me.

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. You are normal to feel this - and you are so fortunate to have someone to stand by you during this time.

He sounds like a great person to have on your side.

He is an example of talking about being empathetic and too much of a self proclaimed NICE GUY. And being anything but.

I never asked for a single thing from him. I lived in my own place. Never asked to move in or for money or food.

He found himself downwind to the turdbomb so many Americans find themselves in. He claims he lost is all at one point and money means nothing. Talked about how he was in major debt in numbers I cannot even fathom. Conversations about realizing money is nothing when you had it all and lost it. Great theory. Glad I could be of "service" so to speak.

Oblivious people claim to care and understand and have compassion. Just as long as we stay under our bridge like a good little trolls. Don't touch them or affect their lives by being in too close proximity. It might be catching. God forbid.

I think we are all there. Feeling inadequate. You have to fight it every day. That's what I do, play on your strengths, do the things you can do for the people who help you. Ask yourself this, have you not done things for people in the past? You all know the answer is yes, well, now it's your turn, it's all our turn. Almost every psychologist will tell you the hardest thing for humans to do is ask for help. Myself included. I feel like i want to hide rather than ask. Rich takes care of all things financial. I keep the house, the lawn, the laundry etc. I do the chores. He's so riddled with arthritis he can't move at times, but he's got 10 years to retirement and two knee replacements and if I can help him get there, then I am helping him. It was hard for him to need my help as well. But we talked it out and that's how we solved the problem. I admit I am lucky, since being unemployed allowed me to care for both my Mother and Father at the end of their lives and my brother who had a massive stroke and is paralyzed. Rich was right there with me. Now, as his family is starting to have their issues, I have to be right there with him. Real love and support isn't easy for any of us, whether we work or not. If someone isn't good to you, makes you feel that you are a drag on them or are needy, I agree they are not for you, as much as it may hurt now. Sticking with it hurts in so many ways, much later and it costs you much more than money, it costs you your dignity, self worth and confidence. Money can't pay for any of those things.

That's the great thing about being here, we have each other for the understanding we need. It doesn't make the worry or the lack of funds go away, but it's a truer understanding of what we go through. No one else can really understand that.

MaryKay wrote:

That's the great thing about being here, we have each other for the understanding we need. It doesn't make the worry or the lack of funds go away, but it's a truer understanding of what we go through. No one else can really understand that.

Agreed!

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. you will be ok.trust yourself.

I say we lighten the load here. Guilt is something you can control, this situation isn't anything we can control, if we could, we would have done so at the beginning of this hell.

Everyone of us here, get up, take a walk, cut the lawn, clean out a closet, straighten up an area of the garage, drive a neighbor to the store, whatever. Do something that will give you a positive feeling, a sense of accomplishment, no matter how small. It works and we all need something positive to feel good about.

Not lecturing, not trying to be Mom, just don't want us all carrying this heavy load in addition to the huge one that's always hanging over us.

"We all have baggage, find someone who cares about you enough to help you unpack." - Author Unknown

fUNEMPLOYMENT wrote:My on/off bf just dumped me when I finally told him how bad it is. After he reduced me to tears for not being good enough.

I tried to keep my issues to myself and never ask him for anything. Not one thing. I did not live with him. I did not ask to. I did not mention anything about being depressed over not being able to find work.

When I finally broke down he abandoned me.

Guilt is a crappy way to feel on top of it all. You are normal to feel this - and you are so fortunate to have someone to stand by you during this time.

He sounds like a great person to have on your side.

I appreciate your compassion. One of the things I take meds for is Depression, so it's harder for me to snap out of self pity. I am not trying to use that as an excuse or crutch and if I am, I'm sorry. However, thanks again for your sincere empathy.

MaryKay wrote:I say we lighten the load here. Guilt is something you can control, this situation isn't anything we can control, if we could, we would have done so at the beginning of this hell.

Everyone of us here, get up, take a walk, cut the lawn, clean out a closet, straighten up an area of the garage, drive a neighbor to the store, whatever. Do something that will give you a positive feeling, a sense of accomplishment, no matter how small. It works and we all need something positive to feel good about.

Not lecturing, not trying to be Mom, just don't want us all carrying this heavy load in addition to the huge one that's always hanging over us.

Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate it.




quote="DIRI"]You are fortunate your boyfriend can provide for you financially. Each person brings something different to a relationship, that's what attracts you to each other and keeps you together. Remember, the most important things in life are not material. Maybe all he needs from you is support, comfort, friendship, loyalty and love. All those things are free.[/quote]

Yes, but it;s tough for him to provide. He always tells me that he needs me in his life and the feelings are mutual, although I am not so emotionally good at being encourageable towards him.

DIRI wrote:You are fortunate your boyfriend can provide for you financially. Each person brings something different to a relationship, that's what attracts you to each other and keeps you together. Remember, the most important things in life are not material. Maybe all he needs from you is support, comfort, friendship, loyalty and love. All those things are free.

It's understandable. I feel that way all the time, but we have come to the realization that we both put in the same amount of effort and should probably help each other out when we can. Once I land something, he won't have to foot the bills, I can cover most of them. But we're married, so it's different when you share everything.

It's great that he's understanding of your situation, but he may not always be patient with it. Is there anything that you can do to help yourself? Not sure if your depression is chemical or not, but anything more you can do for yourself that you're not currently doing could help. Therapy, support groups, or social workers who can help place you somewhere, even if it is only volunteer work initially. It can help you practice coping skills while you work, get you out of a rut, and maybe even lead to an offer.

Why would I say I am taking meds for Depression and receiving SSDI each month?! I wouldn't discuss my personal issues online on a public forum like this to strangers, would I?! Of course my Depression is chemical! Another thing is I may not contribute financially for him, but I help out in other ways, for example, I bring his laundry to my house because I still live at home with my parents instead of him spending $7 - $8 at a laundry matt like he was before since his apt does not have a private washer and dryer! As far as my Depression being chemical, I would think that's pretty self explanatory! Another thing, he's more patient than anyone I have ever known! Why do you think I have so much guilt that he is doing so many things for me financially! He is a US Navy veteran too, so he is quite confident when it comes to survival! So please be careful about speculating on his patience with me!

JadeBlue wrote:It's understandable. I feel that way all the time, but we have come to the realization that we both put in the same amount of effort and should probably help each other out when we can. Once I land something, he won't have to foot the bills, I can cover most of them. But we're married, so it's different when you share everything.

It's great that he's understanding of your situation, but he may not always be patient with it. Is there anything that you can do to help yourself? Not sure if your depression is chemical or not, but anything more you can do for yourself that you're not currently doing could help. Therapy, support groups, or social workers who can help place you somewhere, even if it is only volunteer work initially. It can help you practice coping skills while you work, get you out of a rut, and maybe even lead to an offer.

I didn't mean anything offensive, and yes, it is difficult from your posts to understand what your exact situation is, so I had to ask. My encouragement to be proactive still stands, as tough as it my be. I do know people in your situation, but they are now coping and working, thankfully. The first step for most of them was going to a support group. One of them is now a youth mentor in addition to her career.

And my comments about his patience come from being married and being in very long relationships. Some men are comfortable being the provider... and some aren't. I'm sure it's difficult to know at this stage how he feels, and if he will ever change his mind. As long as you both talk about it every so often, there's no reason to add it to your worries.