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I've tried everything I can think of

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I've tried everything I can think of

Post by orphan on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:02 pm

...and now I've decided to give up.

I can't even find volunteer work anymore. When people won't accept your help for free, you know you are in desperate straits.

I've decided instead to do the one and only thing that has a guaranteed outcome and that is ending it all.

I've contacted my church to make arrangements for collecting and donating my things. I really do not want my landlord and/or neighbors coming in here after I am gone. That really freaks me out.

I downloaded one of those do-it-yourself will and testament forms, to leave any instructions.

I bought a pad of nice notepaper to compose individual goodbyes.

I have a method planned that will almost certainly succeed and not put anyone else at risk. I researched it online just to make sure.

I've asked God for forgiveness. I really screwed up my life. It was my fault completely.

I think I've covered everything.

Thanks.


orphan
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Guest on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:27 pm

Please call 1-800-273-8255

Help is out there! If you don't have access to a phone, please go to this site:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Default.aspx


Nothing is worth taking your life over - suicide is permanent, the situation isn't! Get help for yourself, YOU are worth it!

Guest
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by JoanB on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:46 pm

Just the fact that you've taken the time to post here means that you still care. Maybe you've made a few mistakes, but where you are now is no more your fault than it is anyone else's here. You can get through this...please talk to someone, and please keep posting here if that helps even a little.

JoanB
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Guest on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:47 pm

Do you have any friends or family members you can call for support right now? You are worth something to them! Please think about how this will affect their lives, the suicide of a loved one is a loss so great the wound never heals. There will always be "what ifs" in their lives to haunt them.

Don't do this to them over a situation in your life right now that is only temporary.



Guest
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Guest on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:52 pm

Please follow DesperateInRI's advice, please call the hotline...and PLEASE DONT do this!! We are all in this together! I beg of you to not give up.

You are worth so much more than that!! Call the hotline ASAP!!

Guest
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Guest on Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:57 pm

Joan and S & T are right - you do still care or you wouldn't have taken the time to post and make final arrangements - you know your life is worth something.

You mentioned your church - can you speak with someone there? Talk to us if you like, we are here and we care!

Guest
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by TruthBTold on Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:09 pm

Please don't make any decision which cannot be reversed. I too am having an awful time right now. Things seem really hopeless and sometimes feel like it is only getting worse. However, things cannot change at all if you are not around to help change happen. You are not alone. Please seek help. There are literally millions of us going through the same thing


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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Sad American on Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:23 pm

We are all struggling right now. It does seem endless and hopeless at times. But don't let them win!

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Tomoko on Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:28 pm

Please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline for help! We care about you.

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by gettheminNOVEMBER on Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:43 pm

Call the number please don't give up.

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Judi58 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:28 am

i Have been there Hell I am there right now.. But in a day or two I go through a change a different thought... STOP give yourself a few days to think things through.. Posting is the first step. I have always said when I am ready no one would know. That is how I know I have hope little as it maybe I have hope. so talk to someone wait to do anything for a couple days think and then decide what you can do or want to do...

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by lstjr on Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:40 am

Orphan, I do understand what your going through and this is not the answer. I myself was thinking about this just recently, I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks. I live in an 18ft trailer and get $200 a month in food stamps and that’s it. The depression is something I can deal with on my own because I have to I can control it for the most part. But I went through a anxiety attack that lasted about three weeks after my b-day in mid June. I do own a gun and there were days I thought about picking it up but I knew if I pick it up I would use it and that would be the end and there would be no turning back. There is always hope look inside yourself and find it, I know its there. There are people that care about you in your life even if you don't know it and you have all of us. Please don't give up your life is special and something you cannot get back. I lit a candle for you and am thinking about you. Blessed be.

lstjr
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Location : Eugene, OR

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by couth11 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 1:21 am

orphan wrote:...and now I've decided to give up.

I can't even find volunteer work anymore. When people won't accept your help for free, you know you are in desperate straits.

I've decided instead to do the one and only thing that has a guaranteed outcome and that is ending it all.

I've contacted my church to make arrangements for collecting and donating my things. I really do not want my landlord and/or neighbors coming in here after I am gone. That really freaks me out.

I downloaded one of those do-it-yourself will and testament forms, to leave any instructions.

I bought a pad of nice notepaper to compose individual goodbyes.

I have a method planned that will almost certainly succeed and not put anyone else at risk. I researched it online just to make sure.

I've asked God for forgiveness. I really screwed up my life. It was my fault completely.

I think I've covered everything.

Thanks.

Orphan,
I'm alone, too. It sucks to only have 2 cats and the internet for conversation and human contact. (Yes, I count my guys as Very Important People). I don't know what happened in your life to make you feel like you screwed it up. Maybe you did. Or maybe you made choices out of survival or did the best you could given the resources, knowledge and experience that you had on hand at the time. Forgiving ourselves is always so much harder than forgiving someone else, I think.

If money is tight, maybe you could sell some of your belongings to get by, for a little while. If you're ok financially, and not being able to contribute is destroying you, mind and soul, I can suggest Find-a-Grave and Ancestry.com.

Find-a-Grave is a website for people to post ancestral records. People are always looking for someone to get a photo of their ancestor's resting place. It isn't gruesome, at all. It's history, and it's helping someone solve a mystery. Ancestry.com has a World Geneology Project, and they need people to key index cards (all done at home, on your computer, using information they provide). I have very little money to get out and about, so this is what I do to contribute to something.

You mentioned that you go to church. Maybe you could ask or check a bulletin board, to see if someone needs to be read to, or needs help with their housework or cooking, if they've been sick.

It's good to have a will, and all those good things ahead of time. It does provide peace of mind. I don't believe suicide is a sin. I think what you (and the rest of us) are going through is. But suicide is permanent, and cannot be reversed. Things can go wrong. What we are going through now, most likely will change, if only because there are millions of us (and we know there are more of us than that!).

Your landlord would have to go in, at some point, unfortunately. Lots of us have let our housekeeping slip a little when we're down. It's exhausting. Give yourself a day to rest, or do something different to recharge your batteries, and get it done a little at a time. And keep posting, please. We're all in the same boat, and we do try to support each other.

couth11
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Join date : 2011-05-17

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by rprp on Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:57 am

Orphan,

I've been where you are for no reason at all before, other than clinical depression. I had a roof over my head, a job, friends, money, a future, yet I was still suicidal, so I played the "one year game" as I call it. I told myself that if in one year's time I still wanted to end it all I could. In that year I went on an older triclylic antidepressant (they don't use it anymore really but it worked for me) and moved out of state to a beach city with a beautiful climate and a lot of sun. I've had to go through the one year game process in a my life several times since too.

My point in saying all of this to you is maybe it will work for you too. I wish I knew more of your individual circumstances. Trust me, if anyone has screwed up her life it is me. Still, I know there have been reasons and I've done the best I could and I'm sure this is true in your case as well.

As for me, things are worse now - lowest point of my life. I do consider ending it all at times, but it's always an "out there" thought. I always think there is one more thing I can do (heck, even living in a tent city at least I'd have friends and support which I don't have now and it would be an experience) so that is where my brain goes when I think of ending it all. I try to get creative as to what other options there may be.

Please understand I am not trying to diminish your pain in any way. As someone (me) who has been diagnosed as a bipolar depressive, I fight the battle each day of my life so I can imagine what you are going through. I'd ask that you call that phone number and consider my one year proposition. Things can really turn around in one year's time, especially with the right resources (and there are free resources in some states with respect to both mental health services and medications which can make a difference) and other resources as well. Please PM me if you'd like as I'd like to help if I can.


Last edited by rprp on Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:02 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : add thoughts)

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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by couth11 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:09 am

Orphan, just out of curiosity, what did you do for a living?

couth11
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by couth11 on Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:12 am

rprp wrote:Orphan,

I've been where you are for no reason at all before, other than clinical depression. I had a roof over my head, a job, friends, money, a future, yet I was still suicidal, so I played the "one year game" as I call it. I told myself that if in one year's time I still wanted to end it all I could. In that year I went on an older triclylic antidepressant (they don't use it anymore really but it worked for me) and moved out of state to a beach city with a beautiful climate and a lot of sun. I've had to go through the one year game process in a my life several times since too.

My point in saying all of this to you is maybe it will work for you too. I wish I knew more of your individual circumstances. Trust me, if anyone has screwed up her life it is me. Still, I know there have been reasons and I've done the best I could and I'm sure this is true in your case as well.

As for me, things are worse now - lowest point of my life. I do consider ending it all at times, but it's always an "out there" thought. I always think there is one more thing I can do (heck, even living in a tent city at least I'd have friends and support which I don't have now and it would be an experience) so that is where my brain goes when I think of ending it all. I try to get creative as to what other options there may be.

Please understand I am not trying to diminish your pain in any way. As someone (me) who has been diagnosed as a bipolar depressive, I fight the battle each day of my life so I can imagine what you are going through. I'd ask that you call that phone number and consider my one year proposition. Things can really turn around in one year's time, especially with the right resources (and there are free resources in some states with respect to both mental health services and medications which can make a difference) and other resources as well. Please PM me if you'd like as I'd like to help if I can.
That's a great idea!

couth11
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by orphan on Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:37 am

Thanks for all the nice things you've all said.

I was born to be an outcaste and an untouchable. I can see that now. An uptick in the job market isn't going to change that. Not even getting a job would help at this point.

I was brought into this world by an unmarried teenager and placed for adoption. That's what was done in those days.

I was adopted and raised by a good family. But my adoptive mother taught me from a young age that I was not fit to have children. She did a number on me, so to speak, and it worked.

I had one of those too-young, short-lived, stupid-crazy marriages that ended in a divorce and annulment.

Then I got involved in a bad relationship and I could not end it. I wound up pregnant and I aborted that pregnancy because I was afraid I would never be able to shake loose of that guy. I dropped out of college and moved across country to get away from him.

I wound up doing work I am unsuited for, but somehow or other, I was able to keep myself employed. For years, I was overworked and underpaid. I tried everything I could think of to get into some kind of work that made better use of my talents, but I just could not climb out of this trench I was in.

Meanwhile, I met a guy that I loved more than life itself. He married me to get his green card. I did not want to see that marriage was an illusion. I did not want to see the truth. The greatest happiness I ever experienced was with him, but I paid a high price for it.

I tried to have a child with him, but I kept having miscarriages. My bad karma was really starting to come to fruition at that point. People kept saying, "don't worry you can always adopt," but my husband would become insanely angry if I even suggested such a thing. He applied for U.S. citizenship while I was out of the country and a couple of weeks after he became a citizen, he filed for divorce.

I decided I had no choice but to reinvent myself and start over. I went back to college and finally got a degree. I went and lived in Europe for a year. All of that was very nice experience, but it accomplished nothing. I am really good at that. Putting in lots of effort and achieving nothing.

I've been unemployed almost exactly 3 years now. The type of work I do is becoming extinct. I've tried taking all kinds of high tech classes, but things are changing so fast these days, I cannot keep up. There really isn't anything I can do to parlay my experience and skill set into something that is in demand. I can't change myself from being a dinosaur into not being a dinosaur, at this point.

I recently volunteered to work at a conference attended by lots of rich, powerful, successful people with bright futures. I told myself I would make some useful contacts by going there and maybe find some opportunties. But really what I was doing was trying to pass myself off as one of them. It did not work. People can tell. They're nice to your face, but they can tell at a glance if they have no use for you. I might as well have gone around carrying a big, flashing neon sign that said, "Loser."

Now, looking back over my life, I can see that, one way or another, I was going to end up on the reject pile. It isn't the economy's fault. It was meant to be. I didn't used to be a fatalist, but I am now.

I only wish I hadn't struggled so hard against it for so long. They say that if you are in the middle of the ocean and you are drowning, it is better to swallow a stomachful of water and swim to the bottom. To fight against it is only to prolong your suffering.

That's why ending it all is the only viable option I can see for me. To do anything else is just to resist the inevitable. I am tired of resisting the inevitable. I don't have it in me anymore. I was living on borrowed time from the beginning.






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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

Post by Guest on Sat Jul 23, 2011 9:48 am

DesperateInRI wrote:Please call 1-800-273-8255

Help is out there! If you don't have access to a phone, please go to this site:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Default.aspx


Nothing is worth taking your life over - suicide is permanent, the situation isn't! Get help for yourself, YOU are worth it!

Orphan, PLEASE call this number.

Guest
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Re: I've tried everything I can think of

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