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Today I decided that I'm finished.

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Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by girl16 on Thu May 12, 2011 1:17 pm

I do not mean for this to be a melodramatic posting; I guess I really want to just put it out into the universe, and let it be what it is.

Last night, I was scrolling through the 'sent' folder of my e-mail account, and was amazed to see the number of resumes I've sent out in the past two-plus years - resumes that have gotten no response, or have led to me getting a ton of spam, or potentially scammed with theives wanting my credit card information. It's been this, or "interviews" with people who actually want me to work for free, or who are not hiring at the moment, but who are "putting together a great pool of candidates for a possible future hire", etc, etc, etc.

This past two-plus years has been a horrible nightmare - I have lost everything, despite my clawing, efforting, crying, trying, screaming, and begging to make it be otherwise. In seems, in fact, that the harder I've tried, the quicker the spiral has actually been.

A bit of history about me: I come from a very messed up and unsupportive family. I put myself through school (and have the defaulted student loans to show for it!), I am a recovered drug addict and alcoholic (I picked up when I was 11 years old, and got sober when I was 35), I have done every kind of work that a person can do (I've worked in restaurants, offices, factories, retail, etc, etc, etc), and have NEVER had a job that I've truely enjoyed, or have felt secure in, or have made a decent living at. My work life, since it began with me washing dishes in a neighborhood bar at the age of 15, has always been a struggle and a nightmare. I cannot remember a time that I haven't worried about money, keeping a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, etc. I have never had a real home of my own that I haven't eventually lost.

I am a visual artist, I love animals, books, movies, nature and really just want to live a simple, productive, and happy life, doing and enjoying what I love; for some reason, it just doesn't seem possible for me. Lately, I feel like god just hates me.

In short, my life has been a HUGE struggle, filled with trying, trying, trying, and more trying.

This morning, I decided that I am done trying. I deleted all of those 'sent' e-mails, deleted my saved resumes from my computer, and will not apply for another job.

I don't have a clue what will happen to me, but I just cannot do this anymore. I've spent most of my life, from the age of 15 to now, worrying about my future, and now I'm tired and done. Today, at this moment, I have a roof over my head, a bed, water to shower with, and my $200 in food stamps. Tomorrow? Who knows...it's in god's hands hands, because I'm done.

I wish you all the best with your continued job searches - perhaps this "recession" will be over at some point, but I only see things getting worse for people like us, with no change or help in sight. Take care.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by MoInSTL on Thu May 12, 2011 1:31 pm

Congrats on your sobriety. You need to get to a meeting. I am guilty of not going to meetings either even though I have 28 years behind me---it's still one day at a time. I can relate to what you posted and it is hard and always has been but I am not giving up. Call your sponsor, get your butt to a meeting, do 90 meetings in 90 days like you were new, work the steps and THEN & only THEN turn it over, let go and let God.

Feel free to PM or email me.



Last edited by MoInSTL on Thu May 12, 2011 1:37 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Fuentes on Thu May 12, 2011 1:34 pm

I can certainly identify with you; my own situation is practically a mirror. I have no idea what the future holds for me and I'm almost to the point of following the cliched "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

We'll see...but good luck girl16. You're not alone in your predicament.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Judi58 on Thu May 12, 2011 1:43 pm

Me too.. I have sent thousands of resumes.. DONE... I am in school and can only hope I will make it I am trying to sell me car just to keep a roof over my head.. BUT.. who knows.. I would move out of the US if I could.. I do not believe any goverment offical in Washington or at state level they all lie... They care about lining their pockets. I am so angry I cant even watch TV hearing the lies anymore...
The forgotten....

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by MoInSTL on Thu May 12, 2011 2:09 pm

Just an FYI for peeps reading this thread...if your student loans are not handed over to a collection agency yet, apply for a deferment. It's easy and lasts up to 36 months.

https://www.dl.ed.gov/borrower/DefermentFormList.do?cmd=doViewRequirements&wizardName=Economic%20Hardship%20Deferment

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by TR11005 on Thu May 12, 2011 2:24 pm

Were the only dumb animals that worry.

Call someone if your desperate or suicidal. :03357:

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Jobless_in_Ma on Thu May 12, 2011 2:39 pm

I know how you feel girl16, I was at that point myself and then almost like an act of god a job fell from the sky for me. Keep the faith and dont give up.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Kweanb on Thu May 12, 2011 2:49 pm

What a sad state of affairs this country is in! One of the first things I noticed on a lot of the 99er sites is the phone#/link for suicide hotlines. To me that pretty much says it all. I don't understand how/why Washington turns a blind eye to all of this, all of us. And I too would leave the US if I could. I was born and raised in California and I've never seen anything like this. Washington should be ashamed of themselves. I don't know how they sleep at night but I guess if you don't have a conscious it's not a problem. I try to be mindful of all the things I have to be thankful for each day but I must admit there are days when I struggle with that. There are days when the only thing that keeps me going is my boyfriend and my two granddaughters who love me unconditionally. I just put one foot in front of the other and hope and pray that things will turn around. My boyfriend and I have been homeless for the last 2 months. He had a job interview yesterday and it looks very promising. We need a miracle and hopefully it will come soon. Once we are employed I will still fight for the 99ers and all the other unemployed. This is has been a life changing experience and I used to say I wouldn't wish it on anyone but now I don't feel that way. All of Washington and a large portion of society turns a blind eye either because they don't care or because they prefer to stick their head in the sand because they know they are one paycheck away from being homeless too. I hope the saying "What goes around comes around" is true for all of them. There is one word to describe what is going on in this country: G R E E D! Hang in there..................

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Guest on Thu May 12, 2011 3:12 pm

Hi Girl16...Congrats on your sobriety. That is the hardest job of all. it is 24/7.

Please take MoInstall's advice and try to get yourself to meetings.
I know many people who have a similar job history and life. It seems its a struggle just to breath some days, let alone fight for survival.

Take a break from the madness, take a few deep breaths and perhaps do something you enjoy. Walking on a nice day helps me. It helps to remind ourselves of the simple things in life that are easy to forget. Like the trees, birds, etc. I know it sounds corny but it truly helps.

If you are feeling suicidal at all please call the suicide hotline
1-800-275-8255 They have helped many people.

We are here for you. I am so sorry you are going through this but glad you chose to share your feelings with us. We all understand in one way or another.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by suri on Thu May 12, 2011 3:27 pm

LIFE is a 'one day at a time' kind of deal... I, too, have times when I have to let go and let God take it from here. That's ok, as long as you remember that God helps those who help themselves, too.

You have been through sooo much, for so long. The quote that "depression is a sign you have been STRONG for TOO LONG" fits all of us and is our 'new normal' but it doesn't mean we are always at peace with it.

Some days are diamond, some days are stone and you just get through. Tomorrow you will 'get back on the horse' again and post that you know you can lean on us. I love you

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Abbie on Thu May 12, 2011 3:39 pm

I know how you feel girl16. Out of the blue this morning I got an email from a place I applied to last summer asking me to resubmit my resume for an interview, so I'd like to think there is always hope, even if it is a crumb. I think about to giving up and just stop but the day I do might be the day I shouldn't have, if you know what I mean, because that might be the day things turn around.

Just take things one day at a time and also take Mo's advice on getting to the meetings.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk and take care.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Guest on Thu May 12, 2011 3:50 pm

Abbie wrote:I know how you feel girl16. Out of the blue this morning I got an email from a place I applied to last summer asking me to resubmit my resume for an interview, so I'd like to think there is always hope, even if it is a crumb. I think about to giving up and just stop but the day I do might be the day I shouldn't have, if you know what I mean, because that might be the day things turn around.

Just take things one day at a time and also take Mo's advice on getting to the meetings.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk and take care.

Same thing happened to me this morning! Took me completely off guard! I had applied late last Fall. The HR person said my qualifications were perfect and the CEO who is making the decision is a person I worked very closely with at a Fortune 100 company here in RI about 10 years ago. I have a face to face interview next week. They only called back the top 3.

Things happen when you least expect them. You can never give up. Just when you think you are at your lowest point, as I have been for over a week now, things start to get brighter. Never thought I could say that.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by elvis44102 on Thu May 12, 2011 4:05 pm

by girl16 Today at 12:17 pm

""This past two-plus years has been a horrible nightmare - I have lost everything, despite my clawing, efforting, crying, trying, screaming, and begging to make it be otherwise. In seems, in fact, that the harder I've tried, the quicker the spiral has actually been. ""

I am in Recovery as well....."I have lost everything" you say, you STILL have your life and hopefully your soberity....you should have a support group of "trusted individuals" USE THEM, as you have expressed your feelings here....
Getting Sober was the hardest thing I ever did, as it entails a very personal relationship with my own version of "God"...It was an utter struggle for those first years...None of the "good" or "nice" things i had around me gave me happiness....Then the years when all that was gone
and replaced by the obbsession to drink and all the misery that that entails...

You need to take a look around and check ALL the things you have to BE gratefull for....

Happiness is from the attitude with which you approach the world, NOT from the things it can "give" you..

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by wausauguy on Thu May 12, 2011 5:24 pm

girl16 Thank you for posting. I feel you are simply being honest, not negative. I haven't been really lucky with pay in my jobs, but I was paid enough to provide for myself and to have a home.

I know it makes sense to tell people "never give up" but doing the same thing and expecting different results is a definition of insanity. I am sure you put forth enough, if it feels right to just back off for a while it makes sense to me as well.

I will not be in danger of losing my home for a while yet, but it hurts me to think how hard I have saved, given up to try to have just alittle for retirement and to repair the roof etc, and to see all the money spent on just surviving and not maintaining my home or having something left for retirement. But, I see that I am somewhat blessed.

We should not have to claw to earn a reasonable living. But, it seems that is what is still being pushed by business school and even all the experts on getting jobs and keeping them.

You have alot of skills and so much experience which means anyone would be smart to give you an opportunity.

I had well over 20 years of steady full time plus employment, with my last two employers I had 15 years and 6 years, never collected unemployment in my life until 2009 and all I have had since March 2009 are part-time jobs. I currently have no job.

This economic downturn is different than any other. It is hitting some of us really hard, and some are only experiencing a little of it. It is also different in workplaces, the mantra of lucky to have a job is so prevalent and some workplaces are downright hostile.

I have a hard time putting the effort in cover letters when I get no responses. I have even started doing civil service tests, hoping there would be an opening somewhere with all the complaining about benefit & wage freezes etc, but hiring is froze too.

Like I said I really appreciate your honesty. I wish I could tell someone at one of the places you wanted to work to hire you and make it happen.

Hang in there, and if it helps write to yourself or here.

I don't know where to send you for some support, but I suspect you will find what you need to get you through.

Take Care

John

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by mamroz on Thu May 12, 2011 10:09 pm

Girl16, my prayers are with you.

I think I heard this at a meeting once: "Don't leave 5 minutes before the Miracle happens." I think this is very true.


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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by FallenFeyinJersey on Thu May 12, 2011 11:58 pm

Girl16, congrats on your sobriety. Keep doing what you're doing. By the grace of God, I have good sobriety under my belt, and will be dang if I lose it because of what's happening. I will not stop fighting for what I deserve, nor fold. This is for our lifeline here...
Anyway, I'm not new here, been here since day 1, but am finally back after a few months of being without, and it feels good. Please do take a nice healthy break, try to get to a meeting. I don't know where your from, but if you'd like I could post/send you an online state/county meeting book. Take good care, hang in there and keep in touch~

I love this quote, thanx Elvis:
"Happiness is from the attitude with which you approach the world, NOT from the things it can "give" you"..

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Falcon7 on Fri May 13, 2011 12:08 am

delete


Last edited by Falcon7 on Fri May 13, 2011 11:54 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by elvis44102 on Fri May 13, 2011 12:26 am

by Falcon7 Today at 11:08 pm

"I have been drinking so much since my lay-off, I'm afraid I have become an alcoholic. I think it comes from feeling worthless.."

One of the tests for alcoholism is TRY and drink two beers, can you stop at two?
If I have "a drink" i will have another and another (and what ever else I can find) and just keep going, as if thats not bad enough I will repeat the process tomorrow...and drinking will eventually consume an inordinate amount of time and resources...If not actulally drinking then wishing, or waiting till I can drink...etc. etc..

Find some online tests to see how you answer them...

We have a saying that is something to the affect that "drinking is merely a symptom" not the problem...

It is not the amount or frequency of your drinking that makes an alcoholic, its how it effects you...
Behavioural problems as well as situations may cause "heavy drinking" as opposed to alcoholism...

By the way I am from the cleveland, ohio area and we have a large contingent of AA's around here...(Akron is the birthplace)

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by RookieCAF on Fri May 13, 2011 7:08 pm

"Don't leave 5 minutes before the Miracle happens."

Excellent. Girl16, Don't give up. Others have offered excellent advice I can not top, but I wanted to add my voice to the mix.

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by FallenFeyinJersey on Fri May 13, 2011 10:39 pm

elvis44102 wrote:by Falcon7 Today at 11:08 pm

"I have been drinking so much since my lay-off, I'm afraid I have become an alcoholic. I think it comes from feeling worthless.."

One of the tests for alcoholism is TRY and drink two beers, can you stop at two?
If I have "a drink" i will have another and another (and what ever else I can find) and just keep going, as if thats not bad enough I will repeat the process tomorrow...and drinking will eventually consume an inordinate amount of time and resources...If not actulally drinking then wishing, or waiting till I can drink...etc. etc..

Find some online tests to see how you answer them...

We have a saying that is something to the affect that "drinking is merely a symptom" not the problem...

It is not the amount or frequency of your drinking that makes an alcoholic, its how it effects you...
Behavioural problems as well as situations may cause "heavy drinking" as opposed to alcoholism...

By the way I am from the cleveland, ohio area and we have a large contingent of AA's around here...(Akron is the birthplace)

Or for me... 2 drinks are too much, but 50 is not enough. Rolling Eyes

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by MoInSTL on Sat May 14, 2011 10:20 am

The saying is, "One is too many and a thousand, never enough". Smile

Great to see others in recovery here!

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by admin911 on Sat May 14, 2011 11:49 pm

mamroz, thats the best quote i think i have ever heard cheers

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Tweet on Sat May 14, 2011 11:56 pm

Man, I feel for you. But have you considered that there other ways to make money without having someone else write your paycheck? I think that since we are young, we are so conditioned to think that the only way to make ends meet is through a job, then when jobs are tough to get, people panic because that's the only way they've learned how to make money.
My suggestion to you is to learn how to make your own money by being self-employed.
Learning more about selling stuff on eBay or selling your own talents for a fee. I have been self-employed since 1993. I was in real estate for 12 years. I did well. The last 5 have been a struggle because of the depressed market. I have a wife and kids still in school and I'm in my 40's.

I write a blog for fun and relaxation and for what it's worth, I posted an article about unemployment in case you're interested. English is a second language for me so I'm not a great writer but I try: http://tweetbird.net/job-insecurity-unemployment-and-you
I hope it helps.

Also, there are many scammers on craigslist. I am always suspicious of job listings that have no company name and no information about compensation. Sometimes I get a feeling that most help wanted ads are head hunters collecting resumes.

My suggestion to people who are unemployed and struggling is to spend part of your time reading and learning about self-employment and working online where there is little or no overhead. Avoid the scams, check out scam.com and other reliable sources.

There are so many people out there getting depressed because some guy won't hire them or because interviews don't result in job offers. Why let other people determine your worth, your income and your future? Others get depressed because they do not have a degree or a head of school. Many millionaires of the past and many alive today are college and even high school dropouts.

It's important not give up and remain strong. Just because some guy won't hire you for whatever crappy job you've applied for, who cares? Your life is more than a job and a title. It's more than a paycheck. You're not where you work or who you work for. You're you. Uniquely you. You were born jobless. Strengthen your faith. God is not a head hunter so don't blame Him. If you're not sitting in a jail cell and your health permits you to function, be grateful. You're not done. You're facing a challenge like millions of other people in America and millions more worldwide. Create your own reality and your destiny. Look for work, sure, but don't think that jobs are everything that determines your value and potential!!


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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by wausauguy on Sat Nov 12, 2011 4:51 pm

Girl16 I just wanted to say hello. I hope that things are better.
I have thought about you a few times but just did not take the time to search for your post and check in.

I feel like a yo yo or something i get hopeful and well then the prospect disappears. I feel like a fool sometimes but I still keep trying.

J

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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

Post by Guest on Sat Nov 12, 2011 5:05 pm

To all, I don't think that the feelings you are expressing are very different from mine or from anyone elses on the forum. For those strugling with addiction, I commend you and respect what you are accomplishing, while struggling with what we are all struggling with.

I have to say, for the record, I am proud to be among this wise, talented, strong and intelligent group of people. There are not many times in life I can say that I have truly met strong people, who in the face of hardship have remained compassionate human beings, until I came to the forum.

If I had a company, there isn't a person here I wouldn't hire. And, I hope you know it goes without saying, everyone here would always be welcome in my home and in my life. You have all made a horrific, trying experience over the last three years very bearable. For that, no matter what you feel today or tomorrow, you should be proud, you have each given others help and hope and the really wonderful thing is, you weren't trying, you were being yourselves and admitting things that are not so easy to do.

As we enter Thanksgiving season, I know one major part of my life I am thankful for is all of you and what you bring to each other and to me.


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Re: Today I decided that I'm finished.

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